We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit..

April 28th, 2015 

It seems as if I let time pass again. Time away from my blog. I have thought about it every day. I have thought every day that I should share this moment, share this thought, share this feeling with you, but I did not. I did not let you in. I did not share my happiness, my depression, my successes, my anything. But here I am, again, back to write the words I cannot say, and the feelings I do not show.
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Life is a constant revolving door, and wouldn't you know, those scare the hell out of me. I do not know if they have always scared me, but I know they scare me now. I have come encounter with them a lot recently, and every time I hold my breath, close my eyes and push as fast as I can, just waiting for it to be over. I don't know if this actually means something, or if it is just BS I am making up in my head, but in my head it is everything. To me it is my life, a revolving door that never stops. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, I am simply saying it can be scary. I find myself wondering sometimes "is the bad part over?".

There are good days, GREAT days, bad days, and terrible days. Those days I can deal with, it's the days where I feel like I am stuck in the in-between and I feel nothing. I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I feel numb. I feel numb to it all. It's as if I finally stepped out of the revolving door and it isn't what I thought it would be. I pause. I take a pause with life, with my emotions and with my actions. It's moments like this that I am having tonight where I step out of the revolving door that I thought was so scary, because it was never ending, and I am stuck feeling numb. Sometimes I like those moments best. The moments where I forget that my life is my life and I can be normal for just a moment. Some people spend their whole lives trying to find those moments, and some people can't stand those moments. I am somewhere in between. I do not want to live a life without my son, whether he is with me or not. Life is better with him, that I am sure of. 

But I can't help but wonder sometimes what my life would be like had things been different. If I would have never been pregnant, would I still be where I am today? I wonder if my life would be as fulfilled and at the same time as sad. If I would have decided against adoption, where would I be today? I wonder if my son and I would be happy and content. I wonder all the time where we would be living and what we would be doing in that exact moment. I wonder if he would still laugh and smile the way he does. I like to think that he would, because the truth is he is me. He is apart of me. He always will be. I smile and I laugh, no matter what obstacles are in front of me. It is what makes me, me. That is something we will always have together, our constant love for smiling and for bringing happiness upon those around us.

I made the choice to place him for adoption, because in my heart it was the right thing to do. It is the right place for him. I have said it before, but I can't help but bring it up again. For myself I will always regret my decision. I will always feel broken, like a piece of me is missing. I will always feel as if I drank the "kool aid" in the adoption world. I will always feel that I gave up. 

Was this the best decision for me? Hell no. 

I will spend many, many years going through that pain, I am not sure if it ever goes away, I have hope that it does. I have a vision that when my son is older we will have an unbreakable bond, like the one everyone tells me about, and the pain will slowly slip away. It will start to hurt less and less, because I'll get to speak to him whenever he wants. I have a strong belief that he will want to speak to me too, and laugh with me and take silly pictures with me that I can hold onto during the periods between visitations. 

Was it the right decision for my son? Of course it was. 

He deserved more than I could offer him right now. He deserved a life of endless opportunities and happiness. I have always said that if love was enough, he would be with me. I may not get to see my son every day, hear his voice, watch him grow, watch him do the many firsts he has been doing, but I will always love him. I will always be apart of him and he will always be apart me. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing can ever change our connection with each other when we are near or far. That is one thing that will never go away or stop revolving.

Pain can be beautiful. It shapes us into the people we become. Pain made me strong, stronger than I ever was before. This experience has made me brave, and caused me to see the world through a different light. I have always been a positive and strong person, but I had never known true, god-awful, pain. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and we always end up where we are supposed to be, even if that somewhere is a scary revolving door...