Keep going.

I think of my son every day.

Yes—every day, no exceptions.

A lot of times, these thoughts trigger feelings of trauma or sadness. I’ll stare at a photo of him, for example, and think about all I’ve already missed out on and all I will miss out on in the future. A quick glance can be the start of a spiral, the fraying of a thread that could quickly unravel.

I’ve written about these hard times a lot on this blog, and I will continue to because they’re part of the birthmother journey. If you are experiencing something similar, I want you to know you’re not alone. I want you to know I see you.

Another part of that, though, is that I want to show you that there is so much beauty here in the moments of light—the moments when I see a picture of my son, and I forget about the pain. I feel joy.

Yes, those moments do exist.

This is a new response for me, one that’s only started in the past six months.

As time goes on, it’s becoming easier and easier for me to look at my son and feel such beautiful happiness! Sometimes, I can go for six or seven hours without feeling pain around the adoption. OF COURSE it’s not at all that I don’t miss him—because I do, breathlessly—but it’s an acceptance, a pride in who he is and who he is becoming, that is slowly replacing that sinking feeling.

Not always, but sometimes—and sometimes is enough.

This is a huge development for me in my journey, so this is a celebration post. It’s proof that all my hard work—the affirmations, working with my therapist, writing my book, all of it—is paying off.

Most of all, it’s me—laying all my cards out on the table, as I always do—and telling you this one, very important thing that I learn a little more every day: it gets better. Keep going.