My apology letter for the pain I have caused:

I have been through pain and loss, over and over again. We all have! Some of my worst pain has been self-inflicted. It was because of decisions I made, and living with that is hard. It’s hard to know that I am the reason my son is not with me, or that I have guilt for cheating, steeling and lying when I was younger.

I am not ashamed to admit these things. I did all of them. I hurt people. I stole a purse at a party when I was in high school and black out drunk. I think about it all the time. I want to call this person and apologize and pay them back for the purse. I’ve sent a Facebook message to someone who was there, hopefully he’ll answer. Why did I do this? I don’t know. Why did I cheat on my high school boyfriend? I don’t know. Why did I drive drunk and lie to my parents? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers, but what I do know is that I am feeling deep guilt and pain about these things, more now than ever before. Part of me thinks it is because I just left the man I thought I would marry because of lies he told. I could not trust him. Everything he said I second guessed. I held him accountable for it all and I left. I packed my stuff and left.

Who’s held me accountable for my lies and hurt I have caused? Well, I know I’ve held myself accountable and there are some things that I think about so much it drives me insane. Things I wish I could take back. I would do anything to take them back. I would do anything to go back to 15 years old and speak up that something was wrong. I struggled a lot as a teenager and young adult. I struggled with depression, which led to heavy drinking and poor decision making. I acted out because I didn’t know how to process what I was going through. I didn’t know how to just say I need help.

Even today, at times I struggle in silence. Almost 15 years later, I don’t always speak up. I’m lucky enough now, that I have a support system in place that sees when this is happening. When I go dark and stop answering calls, or texting, they know something is up. I don’t go silent because I don’t want to speak to them. I go silent because I don’t want to have to tell them I am in pain. I’m ashamed for some reason at times. Why? 15 years later, and I am still ashamed of my pain. I have to come clean... I have to heal.

I want to apologize to all those I’ve hurt over the years with my actions. I admit that I was wrong, and I am sorry for hurting you with my actions. I am sorry I could not control my emotions and let them come out in hurtful ways. You did not deserve that, and it’s time I hold myself accountable.

With this apology, I have to let it go. I have to let myself heal and forgive myself. I am not the person I was at that time. I have grown into a trustworthy, honest, and kind person. I have let my past mistakes shape me into the woman I am today and I am proud to be that woman. I have learned from them and done better. I have become a friend you’d like to have. A daughter my parents are proud of. And so much more.

Do you struggle with guilt from your past? I think most of us do. Try doing what I did. Write a letter, you don’t have to ever send it or post it, but forgive yourself. You’ve grown and you are making better choices now. Forgive yourself for the past and move forward with light and a clean heart.

Love,

Hope