July 7th, 2015
There was never a doubt in my mind that I would end up closer to my son, after he was born at least. I remember back when I was searching for his forever family and I wanted them to be as far away as possible. I wanted an open adoption but I didn't think I could bear being so close to him. As my belly grew bigger and the movements became stronger, my feelings towards this idea started to change.
Read MoreMother's Day.
As a birth mother this is a hard day. It's a painful day. It's a day where I used to feel so isolated, so sad, so broken. I spent those days drowning my pain typically crying or masking my pain with substances. One year I decided I wasn't going to drown myself in substances and I actually went and had my sons birth date tattooed on me. I think in my mind I thought I deserved pain that day and that was my way to feel it.
Read MoreApril 28th, 2015
It seems as if I let time pass again. Time away from my blog. I have thought about it every day. I have thought every day that I should share this moment, share this thought, share this feeling with you, but I did not. I did not let you in. I did not share my happiness, my depression, my successes, my anything. But here I am, again, back to write the words I cannot say, and the feelings I do not show.
Read MoreApril 28th, 2015
I don't even know where to begin. This day has been a day I can't describe. My mom flew me home for a week, which I am so thankful for. I am going through some things and I needed my mom, as we all do. There is no one else I wanted to turn too and no one else that could say the things I needed to hear.
Read MoreMy mind takes me to places I don't always like to be. I can typically get out of my head by taking deep breaths, speaking out loud what I want to be seeing instead. Taking over my body with mindfulness. There are all things I learned after my son was born. I had to teach myself proper ways to think. Proper ways to escape darkness.
Read MoreApril 20th, 2015
Life is a roll coaster, plane and simple. It's a fricken roller coaster. I swear, I think I've tackled the obstacle in front of me, and another appears out of nowhere. I have come to find out that is life, especially in adulthood. It never stops.
Read MoreEveryday I replay different scenarios over in my head, different topics, different conversations. A lot of them include my son. I have thoughts like "what would this situation had been like if this?", "what if I had held him when he was born?", and on and on.
Read MoreSeptember 16th
So she and I decided today that it would not be a good idea for me to pump out my milk and ship it to my son. The more and more we talked about it I agreed. I need to get back to living the life I want to live. I think that my hormones are pushing me to want to do that, a motherly instinct or something like that, but I do not think that emotionally or physically it is a good idea for me. I do need to start living like a 21-year-old woman! I need to be selfish right now…
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Read MoreI write this full of joy, nerves, excitement, and a little bit of fear. It's been a dream of mine since the beginning of my Birth Mother journey to tell my story. At one point a couple years back I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. I was still in the darkness and thick of it, I couldn't tell it just yet because it was still evolving, it still is.
Read MoreThe first day I have not spoke to "her" since meeting her, June 8th.. That's a little over 4 months.. It was a very weird feeling. I kind of kept thinking that maybe she would text me, or call. Then, I started thinking why would she. She has a new baby at home and I am probably the last thought on her mind. Not that I believe that because the adoption is finalized that our relationship is over, but I know it is a different relationship now.
Read MoreFebruary 10th, 2015
Sometimes I feel like I've spent my life saying sorry. In the past year or so even more. I say sorry at least 30 times a day.. And why? I could not tell you. I even find myself saying sorry, for saying sorry. I've only recently really started to notice it. People point it out to all the time time. I apologize about everything..
Read MoreFebruary 6th, 2015
I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are piled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirlwind.
Read MoreFor my Mom's birthday this year I bought her 23andme. I thought it would be a great gift to see her heritage, relatives and potential genetic markers she may not have had tested. It's become my favorite gift to give. How great to see where you actually come from - rather than just telling people you are Irish because someone in your blood line said you were.
Read MoreSeptember 19,2014
My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!
Read MoreTo Boujemaa, the love of my life:
He brought me light
He gave me myself back
He taught me forgiveness of others and most importantly myself
He isn’t my light... he just finally made me see I am light
Read MoreIt's amazing to look at how much I have grown.
June 2nd, 2014
Sometimes I think that the only love I’ll ever need is the love of my son. I think that will be enough. I have spent the last few years of my life running away from anything that even showed a hint of truth.
Read MoreWow. What joy and light this kid has brought to my life. In some of my darkest moments since moving to London he has been there for me, by my side. He's been a source of joy and happiness since the moment I met him.
Read MoreIt's crazy how we are so connected in ways we never imagined possible. I feel this today and every day.
Written November 5th, 2014.
Read MoreWritten right after my first visit with my son. January 2014
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