Waiting on a phone call

The last visit with my son, he had many different emotional reactions. He even said he hated me at once point, which I didn’t take to heart. He’s just a kid, after all. Then, there were moments he said he wanted to know more about me and that he wanted me to visit more.

I told him ABSOLUTELY yes. I told him that anytime he wanted me to be there I’d work it out with his mom, and I’d be on my way.

He’s also really into chainsaws, and when he found out I had a chainsaw and a pool at my house, he said, “I wish I could live with you.”

Just a six-year-old dreaming of power tools and pools, I know, but I felt that in my bones: I wish you could live with me, too. That’s what I wanted to say.

On that trip, he also asked if he could call me.

Again, I said ABSOLUTELY, yes. Sitting in at my terminal shortly after leaving his house, he called me on facetime, wanting me to watch him make some pumpkin muffins. I loved it. After that phone call, though, I’ve never gotten another.

It leaves me confused: Does he want to call me? Is he allowed to call me? Did he forget? I even sent him a happy birthday video, thinking for sure he’d call after—and he never did. Am I doing something wrong? Am I putting too much pressure on him?

Part of being a birthmother is constantly asking where my place is in my child’s life. I hope one day I will know for sure. Right now, I do know one thing: as my son grows up, he understands more, and asks more questions. This is all natural. And whenever he asks if he can see me or call me, my answer will always be the same: ABSOLUTELY, yes.